Wednesday, June 28, 2006

2.55 - The One with the new vocabulary

I was e-mailed this the other day...apparently Phil the Pool Man decided I needed to expand on my vocabulary.

NEW WORDS FOR 2006 : Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace and elsewhere.

  1. BLAMESTORMING : Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
  2. SEAGULL MANAGER : A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps oneverything, and then leaves.
  3. ASSMOSIS : The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
  4. SALMON DAY : The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
  5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles
  6. PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
  7. MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
  8. SITCOMS : Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
  9. STRESS PUPPY : A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
  10. SWIPEOUT : An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
  11. XEROX SUBSIDY : Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
  12. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE : The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
  13. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
  14. 404 : Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.
  15. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.
  16. OHNOSECOND : That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an e-mail by mistake)
  17. WOOFS : Well-Off Older Folks.
  18. CROP DUSTING : Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

Monday, June 26, 2006

2.54 - The One with the power outage

It's kind of sad how we rely so heavily on electricity now. The power went out for about 1/2 hr and I basically sat there wondering what to do. I had about an hour before work so I was just going to write a few e-mails and then head off to work. Then all of a sudden everthing shuts off. Nap time!!

Sunday, June 18, 2006

2.53 - The One in the stall

isn't it great when you have a camera on your phone? You get to capture priceless moments wherever you are. Even in a restroom stall.

I went to see Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift tonight with some buddies...surprisingly not a bad movie. Much better than the second one...on par with the first. Even though he's in Japan...and an obvious minority...the white boy wins the girl and saves the day. How typical...Bow Wow plays the token black guy and the asians show us how to really drive. Best part about the movie...last 5-10 minutes...surprise ending. If you want to see more of the Japanses drifting scene...check out the anime Inital D and the live action movie based on it. Can't promise great story lines and amazing acting...but you'll see some crazy driving. So after the movie we get out and see these two guys get in a late model Mustang that's had a little cosmetic work done to it. Trav says,"I bet ya these guys peel out..." Sure enough this yahoo burns some rubber and I yelled out to them "You're my HERO!!!"

One last 7 Stanley Cup Finals on Monday night. We have a situation: 'Canes win...hometown boy Justin Williams brings the Cup here...Oilers win...Cup comes back to Canada...who to cheer for? Regardless of the's been a great Finals. Go Oilers!!

Sunday, June 11, 2006

2.52 - The One with the sign

Trav, Van Dan and I were at BP's after basketball tonight just talking away when the subject of people that are socially inept and socially awkward moments. Wouldn't it be something to say in the middle of an awkward conversation..."well you guys are socially awkward...see ya". Wouldn't it be better if we could give them a shirt like this?

Then they could just go up to people and say..."Hi, I'm socially awkward," and everyone would understand...too bad that this shirt doesn't really exisit. Although I suppose I could start to take orders...anyone want to get one for a friend? or perhaps themselves?

All this talk reminded me of this:


Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid." That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops...never mind, didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big ol' stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright, Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See, if he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know, I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out, no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic problem. I thought for sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked, "So, is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said, "No, I'm delivering a bridge... here's your sign."

I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said, "Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."

Anybody you know need a sign today?

The next time someone says something stupid ask them where their sign is.

- Bill Engvall

Friday, June 09, 2006

2.52 - The One with the firewall

A little tournament that is being held in Germany called the World Cup started today...and will end on July 9th. Watch it. The world's best futebol players will strut their stuff...this is why they call futebol, "beatutiful game". My pick is Brazil to take it all...but keep an eye out for host Germany, England, France, Argentina, Czech Republic, the Netherlands (not Neverland...although that's the second star ont he right and straight on till morning...) and yes...even USA.

I recently rented 'Firewall' with Harrison Ford. To be honest with you...I don't think Ford has made a really good movie in a long time. Although it didn't do well in the box office...I was hoping that this was one of those hidden gems, like Bruce Willis' 'Hostage'. Not so, the only relation with that would be Jimmy Bennett who plays the young son who get's kidnapped in both of those movies. 'Firewall' is like 'Air Force One', substitue the President for a high exec in a bank, and the plane for this huge house a lake near Seattle. Indiana Jones 4 can't come soon enough...

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

2.51 - The One with the invisible friend

is it me or do you find it funny when you see someone with no one around, no phone in hand, absolutely no headset in ear, talk to themselves? Basically turn and carry on a conversation out loud to someone who isn't there?

Sunday, June 04, 2006

2.50- The One with all the standing and the smiling

Congratulations to Mark & Yvonne on their wedding yesterday. I was honoured that I was asked to stand by Mark as one of his groomsmen. It was a long, but great day. Although it rained for most of the let up just enough for some pictures in the park after the are some pics from the day:

The happy couple, Mark & Yvonne

The Wedding Party with the ushers

The Groomsmen and the ringbearer

Me and two of the bridesmaids at the Tim Horton's drive through after pictures in the park

My Parents and I, they celebrated their 28th anniversary yesterday as well

A few good men

Anna and I - my partner in crime for the day

Saturday, June 03, 2006

2.49 - The One with the emergency lighting

All businesses are required by law to have emergency lighting when the power goes out so you have time to vacate the building. I haven't been to many homes that have them...but I suppose it is a good idea. Trav, VanDan and I were chillin at the ranch watching a movie when the power went out...we then promptly reached for our phones and flipped them. The combined light illuminated the room...THAT's emergency lighting at its finest.

Friday, June 02, 2006

2.48 - The One with the bee

could somebody tell me when TSN and ESPN were televising one of the spelling bees? I understand if on of the major networks like ABC, CBS or NBC would have it on...and even PBS...but a sports channel? Having pool, darts and poker is bad enough...

On a different note...tomrorow is Yvonne and Mark's wedding...which I have the priviledge to be apart of...I'm gonna be hot in my tux...literally...with the humidity close to 90% its gonna be a blast.